WARNING: Not a happy post.
I've decided to get this out of the way right now. It's been bothering me some.
Valentines day is next Saturday. I have no valentine, no sweetheart. I have an ex. I have reminders of her past presence all over the house. Things not easily gotten rid of, like the furniture that I have left or the fridge. I haven't the cash to replace them or I would. Then there are things that I don't want to and wouldn't get rid of, like the dogs.
I have memories. 20 years worth of memories. Memories of vacations, of our kids growing up, of special occasions. Memories of great sex, which I have been devoid of for over three years now. And there are memories of a thousand little things, things that remind me of her, and of how love kicked me in the crotch while I was already down.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: What my wife did to me was very, very hurtful. It still pains me. She left me because of my bipolar disorder. She actually told me that if she had known at the beginning that I would end up with a mental illness that she never would have married me. She left me when I needed her the most. It makes me wonder if she ever really loved me. She seems pretty happy now.
So, Valentine's Day will be a bitter reminder for me. A reminder of what I had and lost. A reminder of my struggle to be happy and healthy the last three years. A reminder of my struggle to not hate myself. That there is no one special in my life. Even a reminder that my illness is still waiting for me in the shadows by the back door.
At least I still have my friends.
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It's always good to have friends in times like these. And Valentine's Day is a stupid holiday. It makes you feel bad about yourself when you're single, and puts ridiculous expectations on couples in a relationship.
ReplyDeleteIf you can, go out with a friend on V-day and enjoy yourself. See a movie or rent one, order pizza in. Or, if you're spending it alone (alone but not lonely!), get a great book and a bubble bath.
I hope you feel better soon. Just know you're not really alone! You always have friends here.
Thank you so much, Jen. I really do appreciate the kind words and the advice. Spending the day with a friend (or friends) sounds like a great idea to me. I certainly don't want to be alone or the negative thoughts will probably fester.
ReplyDeleteShe's the one that's a fool... What goes around comes around... You're a great guy who sounds like they need some pumpkin bread. I there for!
ReplyDeleteMmmm, pumpkin bread...
ReplyDeleteI'm happily married, and I still think Val. Day is a stupid holiday. It's her loss if she left you. You seem to be a great person, and you have friends here who love you. Pamper yourself on that day, and don't feel that you need someone to do it for you. In fact, relish the fact that you are free to be your own person, and do what you want, when you want. Sending giant, comforting hugs to you.
ReplyDeleteMy guess is that if you leave someone because something about them changes or they are befallen by an illness, you never truly loved them in the first place. At the very least, you loved them with lots of conditions - meaning you had to be low maintenance or something similar to that.
ReplyDeleteI am sorry that happened to you - I can honestly not imagine leaving someone unless they did something so inexusable that it could never be forgiven because it was such a betrayal of my love and trust.
p.s. Valentine's Day is shit and I never made a big deal of it when I was single and don't make a big deal out of it when I'm in a relationship, either.
ReplyDeleteBuy yourself something that you like on Valentine's day. A gift for yourself for loving yourself.
ReplyDeleteI don't see Valentine's Day as a day for sweethearts as much as I see it as a day for celebrating love. I apprectiate the fact that I have friends that love me.
Thank you everyone for the comments, the support and the advice. It's nice to hear someone else's take on it after getting how I felt off of my chest.
ReplyDelete