Tuesday, May 12, 2009


Something in Bobby's post today got my brain whirring. He said something about still feeling like he's seventeen years old. I had always felt like I was still seventeen inside. It was great to be that way. Then I hit fifty and something sort of changed. I don't exactly know what it is. Maybe more focused thoughts of impending mortality. Maybe it is my recent decline in health. Maybe it is the small pot I have developed just above the waist line. Maybe it's seeing my parents and siblings aging. Maybe the realiziation of how much time has really passed has put the whammy on me. Maybe it's a combination of all these things and others that I just haven't sorted yet.

In a way, I want to still feel that young inside. I want to feel that carefree, which I know will not happen. I want to have that many wild times, which I am too responsible for now. I want to have that many close friends, which I don't. The old adage is that you are only as old as you feel. I belive that, but only to point, as it only seems to work for me to a certain point now. My doctor, who is in his early sixties tells me I am still a young man. I know that's bullshit. I'm fifty. Fifty one tomorrow, to be exact. I know that I have spent more days than what I have left.

On the other hand, I'm happy, or at least content almost every day. I've learned to be content with what my life is and what life has handed me. I've beaten my bipolar disorder and my inner demons to a pulp, which I am proud of. I have my medical issues under control. I'm finding that I can do with less than I thought I could. I've learned to deal with my career not going as far as I wanted it to go. I'm slowly learning to live without my wife, without a wife. I know that I don't look as old as fifty. And honestly, when I look in the mirror I like who I see.

I've never discussed this with someone my own age. Perhaps I should just to get someone else's perspective on it. I don't know.

Anyway, I'm glad for Bobby that he feels like he does. He's a great guy, and I hope he always feels that way. I wish him nothing but the best. As for me, I believe I've kind of settled into fifty in a way, and I think I'm alright with it.


  1. You expressed my sentiments exactly. I feel the same way about getting older. I WANT to feel young, but sometimes things slow me down. Aging is inevitable. I'm happy with where I am as well. I've learned to choose my battles, and I am no longer letting stupid, non-important things put me in a bad mood. If so, it's only for a few minutes. I like where I'm at in my life. I'm ready to face the next day. Happy Birthday. Hugs.

  2. Alrighty then we are the same age! Happy 51! Hope your birthday is a great day.
    I would certainly not want to feel seventeen again. I was stupid then!
    You sound content and that is a very good thing.
    My fifties...well, I am not exactly thrilled with them. I am working on not feeling anxious about the future. Will I have enough money? Will my body fall apart? How will my sons fair?
    The happiest thing about me is that I do still feel current, I am not stuck in the 70's. I have up to date opinions. My clothes are up to date. My sons' friends still think I am a cool mom.

    Happy Birthday!

  3. "And honestly, when I look in the mirror I like who I see."

    You don't know how happy this makes me.

  4. Happy Birthday buddy.

    I wish I was 17 again but catch glimpses of it when I look at my wife as I have looked at her since I was 17.

    Only we have become older, slower, with increasing health issues.

    I can't run as fast or lift as much any longer and my speed has been forsaking me more and more.

    I try to keep what I have and add some spark now and again.

    I am just like anyone else who is growing older but I try to keep active just to slow down the aging process.

    Enjoy this day. It is a special one.


  5. Thank you everyone.

    Xanadu- I'm glad to hear you say that. I've kind of learned the hard way that it's not worth it to sweat the small shit.

    Justfly- I think your sons will do great based on what I know about them from your posts. I get anxious about my retirement, too, especially when I look at my 401k statements. And yes, you are cool.

    Rachey- I could say so many smart-assed things about that, but I'll refrain. Thank you for being such a good RL friend.

    Bobby- Remember that episode of The Twilight Zone where the old folks in the retirement home go out at night and play kick-the-can and they turn back into kids? That's my dream sometimes.