Something in Bobby's post today got my brain whirring. He said something about still feeling like he's seventeen years old. I had always felt like I was still seventeen inside. It was great to be that way. Then I hit fifty and something sort of changed. I don't exactly know what it is. Maybe more focused thoughts of impending mortality. Maybe it is my recent decline in health. Maybe it is the small pot I have developed just above the waist line. Maybe it's seeing my parents and siblings aging. Maybe the realiziation of how much time has really passed has put the whammy on me. Maybe it's a combination of all these things and others that I just haven't sorted yet.
In a way, I want to still feel that young inside. I want to feel that carefree, which I know will not happen. I want to have that many wild times, which I am too responsible for now. I want to have that many close friends, which I don't. The old adage is that you are only as old as you feel. I belive that, but only to point, as it only seems to work for me to a certain point now. My doctor, who is in his early sixties tells me I am still a young man. I know that's bullshit. I'm fifty. Fifty one tomorrow, to be exact. I know that I have spent more days than what I have left.
On the other hand, I'm happy, or at least content almost every day. I've learned to be content with what my life is and what life has handed me. I've beaten my bipolar disorder and my inner demons to a pulp, which I am proud of. I have my medical issues under control. I'm finding that I can do with less than I thought I could. I've learned to deal with my career not going as far as I wanted it to go. I'm slowly learning to live without my wife, without a wife. I know that I don't look as old as fifty. And honestly, when I look in the mirror I like who I see.
I've never discussed this with someone my own age. Perhaps I should just to get someone else's perspective on it. I don't know.
Anyway, I'm glad for Bobby that he feels like he does. He's a great guy, and I hope he always feels that way. I wish him nothing but the best. As for me, I believe I've kind of settled into fifty in a way, and I think I'm alright with it.