All Apologies

My apologies to anyone who read my previous, now-deleted post from earlier this evening. It's just a matter of what today is, and my being alone and feeling shat upon. I didn't mean to come off as bitter. WARNING: The rest of this post could bring you down.

This is always a tough day for me. After I went to hell and was diagnosed with bipolar disorder eight years ago, I got help. I started seeing a therapist and a psychiatrist, and started taking a few different meds. The meds changed my personality quite a bit, and my wife didn't like this. We went to counseling, we saw several different marraige professionals and it always came down to the same thing: My wife wanted the old me back. I was given the ultimatum of either getting off the meds and going back to the old me, or losing her. The problem was the old me had become a dark, manic-depressive insomniac who was cutting nightly and generally riding the crazy train. My old personality was there, but I was out of control.

In the end I chose my sanity. I've paid a very big price for that, and am still paying. I lost my wife of twenty years, whom I love very much. I am lonely constantly. I have no one. Salt on the wound, I pay a ridiculous amount of alimony to, and insurance premiums for her. And there is more, but I won't go into it here and now.

I enjoy my solitary time. When I am fishing, kayaking, biking or hiking I enjoy it very much, and I need it. But I very much miss waking up with someone other than the dog. I miss having someone to share meals with, to go to the movies with, and on and on. I miss intimate proximity and physical affection very much.

On a day like today especially, these things hit home for me. I' more sensitive and feel them more keenly. I think that I deserve someone special, and my big fear is that I will never have one again.